Don't Go A Knocking...

In accordance with my seemingly on purpose attempts to out-do my previous cash grabbing temp jobs, I have been slaving away in my local community on behalf of the Municipal Government trying to complete the census. In short, my duties involve going door-to-door seeking ever so uninteresting facts about the numskulls who live on site. Due to my never faltering hatred for the general public. The only thing I hate more then dealing with random strangers, is being the "unfortunate" one in the equation. By unfortunate, I refer to me, being the poor soul sauntering door to door asking how old they are and such. However, as I am always finding new ways to turn the tables on life, I have found ways to "deal" with the most common scenarios that put me in a vulnerable position.

Probably my most hated scenario I face, is the "your here to spy on me" routine. Typically, I can spot these nut case homes from afar, they wreak of "go away, I'm a freakshow". These houses usually have blankets or sheets draped all over any window, likely keeping the evil sun rays from getting into the vampire lairs which accommodate societies misfits. After I creep up the stairs, usually fitted with AstroTurf or red carpets stolen from a Safeway entrance way, I "knock gently on the glass" as instructed from the sign printed on yellow-tinted loose leaf. The doorbell, if present, has the wires torn right out of it, and the button is covered with black electrical tape.. just in case the frayed wires didn't tip me off that this house relies on "gentle screen door knocking" to alert the residents that the government is here to "take them away, and silence their opinions." When, or if, a scraggly human finds their way to the front door, it is opened just a crack, so I can see their chapped lips, muttering confusing non-words. Once they see that I have an identification badge strung around my neck with a silver chain, they know I am up to no good. They immediately slam the door shut, and scurry over to the living room window, and peer at me through their sunbleeched bed sheets. I made myself a promise from day 1 of this senseless project, that when people sat in their living rooms watching my poor soul stand at the front door like an idiot, that I would stand there twice as long as I normally would, just to show that I'm shameless. Its the only way that I know of to eventually make them feel uncomfortable instead of me. My defense for the typical "we dont want any!" routine? A simple.. "what? Representation in municipal affairs? That makes sense."



Tomorrow brings another day of hitting the 'ol grindstone, and in a perfect world, it would include an angry phonecall from the parents of a young home alone child, who I bullied into giving me all the information I needed to cash in, despite her repetitive claims that "she can't give this kind of information out without her parents being around." I wanted to respond with, "you already opened the door, and told me your parents are away, bad move." Seriously, if I was going to kidnap you, I wouldnt wait until after I had asked all these ridiculous questions about which school system your parents support, any idiot kidnapper would have you in a box van by now.

B