Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Why You So Obsessed With Me?

I'm loving the hits coming into Defective Thoughts as of late.. before you know it DT.info will gain even more momentum, which I of course would use to leverage myself into the World of reality television, where we all know I belong.


Summer is over, vacations have ended, and let's hope your tired office/lecture eyes are finding their way here, where they belong. As you know, your feedback is the fuel to this fire.

B

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Jesus, Take The Wheel

6am: I woke up this morning, feeling somewhat enchanted, unusually enthusiastic, and ready to work some magic in the retail world... if only I knew what my day had in store for me.

6:45am: Cruisin' down the freeway listening to my happenin' beats, getting all "pumped up" for my big day at work. Today is a "shipping" day, meaning we all have to stock all the new merchandise by 11am.

7:00am: I arrive at work, and make my way to the staff room to place my fantastic perishable lunch in the staff room refrigerator. The door was locked, with a make-shift sign taped to the door, looking like something had escaped from the recycling bin and found its way onto the wall. To my shock and horror our managers decided to "shut down" the lunchroom due to "unacceptable messiness".

7:05am: Rage and disbelief rip through the coat room like a tsunami, and the faces of our employees begin to turn red, even Sarah's. Poor Chiko, a 65 year old grandmother (also with perishable lunch in hand) continued to wrestle with the door handle, not quite sure how to register the sign, or the situation. I knew right away this day was going to be epic. Perhaps epic enough for my swift termination.

8:30am: By this time, I had managed to recreate the ugly up-leading to the French Revolution. "They are forgetting that they need us to finish this project in four hours people! We actually have all the power." I wasn't too upset about the lunch room closing, more about the fact that they neglected to put up a new schedule for the upcoming weekend. Don't they know I have fantastic engagements to attend?



9:00am: Myself, and the rest of the employees (except for Chiko, who at this point was completely unaware of the revolution buzz I was igniting) had slowed our progress down to a slug like crawl. In fact I thought up a few games we could all play to help kill the time, and neglect the work.

10:00am: At the morning meeting, during the ridiculous lecture referring to the lunch room closure, our manager boasted "We were both here for 17 hours yesterday!" I knew this was a lie, because they say it everyday. Knowing what time they both started, I put up my hand asking what was going on in the store at 2am. Later, the conversation morphed into another lecture about how irresponsible we all were as employees, and that our behavior was disgraceful. Again, I tested my fate and put up my hand. "Speaking of responsibilities, when is the next schedule going to come out?" This definitely got the party going, and again was lectured on my attitude problem.

Its amazing how fast time flies, when your organizing a retail coup. My manager, Jason took me aside to try to get some insight on why today's pace was so slow, clearly identifying who was in charge. Side note: Jason has the most atrocious breath I have ever encountered, so bad that I have actually gagged right in front of him during conversation. Keeping my distance from the path of his air sewage, I explained that moral seemed a little negative, but that I had no other information.. keeping my cards close.

The day ended, with the lunchroom unsealed, merchandise left askew, and employees high on revenge, all in all leaving me feeling quite positive about the days events. If I'm not happy with my job, why should anyone else be? On my way home, I asked myself if it was too late to get into religion. Those devoting their lives to JC always seem so happy and positive... whats with that? All I want is to let Jesus take this steering wheel and drive me home, and of course, find me a new job, and transition me into my next phase of life. Maybe if I invested more time in God as a youngster, he would have a plan for me.. and then I could always just wonder what "God's plan was" in times like these. Until Jesus takes the wheel, Ill have to continue running my makeshift coup at work, and become God to those around me.

B

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Co-Worker Profile: Hurricane

Being that I spend nearly 40 hours every week selling toasters, popcorn poppers, and glamorizing curtain rods, I spend a considerable, embarrassing amount of time analyzing the personality hiccups and genetic "oopsie!'s" of my co-workers. These are their stories...

Hurricane:
She walks like a Hurricane, talks like a Hurricane, and looks like a Hurricane, and therefore, Sarah, is now named Hurricane. She rather enjoys following up statements with overly exaggerated rebuttals, or better yet, her own original set of catch phrases. Instead of replying to comments or statements with B's classics, "great", "cool", or "that's fantastic", she chooses to make my blood boil, using phrases such as "righteous!", or "so uber!" Its times like these I need to retract the exacto blade back into its holster before it gets splice happy and I get sent to prison. Didnt Hurricane read DT's list of whats hot and not for 2009? The "U" word was banished 7 months ago! Hurricane is the type of defective who moves someplace new, yet never shuts up about her prior stomping grounds, being Ontario, because "everything is better in Ontario." Really? Than why not take your Category five lameness back where you came from? This afternoon, and every afternoon since I've known her, she has complained that groceries are "outrageously" more expensive here in Alberta than in Ontario. In fact, you can buy a twelve pack of romaine lettuce back in her mother land for only one dollar. The scenario that sent her into this hysterical tizzy?.. earlier at Safeway, she went to by some "blue grapes", and they cost six dollars per carton. "My grandma back in Ontario has a blue grape bush in her backyard, I could get them for free there!" -- "Maybe thats because nobody knows what a blue grape is", I grumbled. I asked her why produce was so much cheaper in Ontario, and she replied "Umm because they grow it there.. geeze!".. I then said, "really? Even in the winter time?" At some point she segweyed into a story about how her boyfriend and her had bought 12 steaks from CO-OP for $15-20 last night, contradicting her earlier arguments. Again, I snarled under my breath that I think she got tricked into eating dog food, and mistook it for steaks. If you think Hurricane sounds idiotic now, wait until you hear how when her roomate was in Italy, she got a real Louis Vuitton bag for only $5o..AND it was real.. because the man at the BOOTH told her so.

B

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Blind Item

Which 'living in sin' Lethbridge resident is planning to up and move to Victoria at the end of September, seemingly skipping out on her lease? Sources suggest she plans to sell the entire contents of her apartment on 'kijiji' over the next few weeks, until the apartment is empty, to cut down on moving costs. At this time, the moral-less character will sneak into her silver Kia in the middle of the night, leaving the house key, damage deposit, and her dignity behind as she speeds into the night.

Let's hope your on Karma's good side, K.

B

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Co-Worker Profile: Becky

Being that I spend nearly 40 hours every week selling toasters, popcorn poppers, and glamorizing curtain rods, I spend a considerable, embarrassing amount of time analyzing the personality hiccups and genetic "oopsie!'s" of my co-workers. These are their stories...

Becky
The Beckster, (Rebecca) is a simple girl, and by that I mean she is dull, yet entertaining in a sad kind of way. Her dark roots grow long and wild into the bleached birds nest that is the rest of her hair. She is a University student, and makes it impossible for you to forget it, as she often brings a large stack of texts books into the lunch room, and studies what I imagine to be the page numbers and exciting photographs. The bag has a "University of Calgary" logo on the outside, and I reckon she got this bag in first year, yet continues to use it as a further reinforcement of her academic achievements. One day I overheard her tell another employee that her name is "Becky", and that she hates it when people call her "Rebecca." Being well aware of her timid, shy personality, I have been calling her Rebecca ever since I overheard this conversation, always emphasizing the "BECK" portion, maybe she will take that as a hint that she needs to stop bleaching her hair. I often wonder if she will ever tire of her apparent excitement everytime she runs out of change in the cash register, and gets to hear her depressing voice over the intercom system requesting more.


B

B, The Mentor

Today, as I was polishing the sides of a faux leather ottoman, in an attempt to get back onto the good side of my deranged boss who is suddenly hell bent on canning my 'desperate for cash' self, a teenage boy interrupted me, with a pen in hand, asking for some loose leaf. After questioning his reasons for the paper (out of sheer boredom), I learned he was planning to jot down his contact information for my manager, who he was also seeking in order to apply for a position. "Do you have a resume with you?" I asked. "Well, I don't have a resume, but I can just write down my name and number for you to give her" he replied with soon to be shattered confidence. "You know I think you might be more successful if you had a resume printed from your computer" I informed him, and soon began explaining what a resume was, and how to make one, clearly filling in the gaps for a student that clearly fell through the cracks of the public education system. Normally, I would have just ignored the fact that he wasn't going to get a job, and get back to my faux polishing.. but for some reason I felt like I needed to take this poor soul under my "wing", perhaps in hopes that one day he could take over my position, and I could have a real person job instead. I explained that he should go online and look up resume templates, and then type his actual information into the blanks to create a semi-decent beginner resume, and then return tomorrow to hand it in. "Our manager will be more likely to hire you if you follow those steps" I emphasized. As his grim face turned and wandered away I began to feel like I had my first real mentoring experience, but then I started to realize that perhaps I am a terrible mentor, being as I myself have an entire team of mentors, and my life is in shambles. I am now anticipating to wake up to my protege being found dazed and confused in a ditch by the authorities, suspecting that he had just been returned to Earth by aliens, straight from an episode of the X-files.


B

Friday, September 4, 2009

2009, Two Thousand Fine

Good evening readers, I hope you are all enjoying your Indian summer!

September has arrived, and for most, another school year is about to begin. Being a recent graduate, this is my first school-free September, since 1990. Sure, I am relieved to be finished with school, and released from the hell known as final exam period, and making "never to be used" flashcards- however I was hoping for a little more structure for my first fall out of University. I was feeling quite down in the dumps as of late, seeing my graduation photo as I run out the door everyday, name tag in toe, but then, one day as I was stopped at a red light on my way to work, I focused in on the drivers license of the car ahead of me, it read: MY2CATS.. and strangely, ever since, I have felt much better about the rocky path my life has been following in 2009. I figure, despite my hatred of retail, and daily verbal thrashing for failing to reach my quota of new credit card sign ups, I will soon have the monetary partner to get moving in the right direction. Just sprinkle in a few weekend vacations, new apartment, and fresh job, and Ill be cruisin' right into 2010. For starters, I will work on convincing the Bridal registry's employee to set me up for a personal gift registry, called say: A Celebration of Brett, and my spirits will get the boost it needs to carry me through!

B