Hello 2010, Goodbye Defective Thoughts

A new year is upon us, and as 2010 is sure to bring exciting experiences and possibilities, there will be one fantastic staple missing from your favourites folder.

I quickly learned the fun of detailing the outrageous details of my life on this blog, and am thankful all of my loyal readers who enjoyed following alongside me on my weekly adventures and accounts of the truly defective people I was forced to be surrounded by. 2009 was a crazy year..you got to read about my 5 jobs, 2 months of travelling, Indigenous Rita McNeil, doctors office observations, countless Art Gallery submissions, many housesitting gigs, and lest we forgot the eye witness reports into the lows of retail employment. It was a challenging year, but I was happy to make the best of it and share my "stories" with you all.

Though I love Defective Thoughts and all its glory, I feel like its time to close this turbulant chapter in my life and enjoy 2010 and all the exciting moments it may bring. It will be a difficult transition not having DT as my outlet for venting on such as issues as why the cafe employee and her battered soul feel it is a bright idea to cut her hair and spike it into frosted tips, or to share workplace stories such as the other day, I was getting annoyed with a near by coworkers exhagerated use of a "loud mouse and track ball" that I snuck into her cubicle at lunch time and switched it out for a quiet model. "I don't remember my mouse being black?". Poor Tish Kwan.

I thank you again for your witty comments and support over the past year, and I hope you will find comfort in a new and upcoming blog that is similar to this one (as if).

But, for some last time bliss, here is a top 10 list of 2009's moments... Enjoy!


Toughest Moment: Convincing Home Outfitters to employ me.
Funniest Moment: Watching Indigenous Rita McNeil self destruct.
Greatest OMG: Explaining to my Mom that I didn't need to check into rehab for eating a box of chocolate liquers.
Biggest Releif: Getting a job interview.
Ooopsie Moment: Accidentally knocking over my future Home outfitters manager's coffee all over her desk in my interview.
Rockbottom Moment: Sept 2009, contemplating transfering to the Bay downtown.
Most Fantastic Day: Beach Days in Croatia.
Best Quote of 2009: "You can't afford to have a bad attitude.. Its a recession" -Home Outfitters manager.

Once again, its been a slice, I hope you have enjoyed, who knows where I would be today had I not used DT as a ventilator.. I might be in the Psych ward right now.

I hope you all feel entertained, much love.

Xoxo
B

Deck The Halls!

I know how disappointed my loyal readers must be right now.. so many days.. so few posts. Have no fear my sweets, I'm back.

Today was my final day shift of community service, aka. last day of retail work. Since giving in my notice of resignation two weeks ago, things have been running pretty smoothly at work, for example, I can now rest easy after reprimanding customers for rude behavior because I know that I won't be fired, or.. I can stir the emotional pots of my fellow co-workers and suffer little to no consequences. When I arrived this morning, I was first greeted with the cheerful booms of Christmas music rumbling over the intercom.. celebrating the birth of Jesus seven weeks in advance..I don't even celebrate my birthday that early! I took this as a sign that God was making one last attempt to worsen my final day in retail by forcing me to listen to Christmas music for 8 hours straight. Props to Allah for you always knowing how to press my buttons. This just made me even more grateful for finding a new job, one that doesn't force these magically delightful sound waves on my ears... "who could handle listening to this at work from now until the actual holidays?" I pondered. I learned that the depressing drones I work with will have to. I quickly decided to make the best of my day, and was even singing and whistling along to the joyus melodies of Elvis, Beyonce, and even Jsimps' versions of all our favorite seasonal tidings to spite the coworkers around me who would be stuck with them forever. Greg, the newbie employee, slash disappointment to the human race grumbled in anger as we were forced to work together today.. my multiple requests for our separation were promptly ignored by my manager. I soon realized that the Christmas music was perhaps an emotional trigger to his battered youth, when he asked me when I stopped celebrating Christmas. "You mean when did I stop believing in Santa?" I replied. "No, like when did you stop decorating a tree, and opening presents, and celebrating with your family?" he asked. "... Umm, I never did?" I replied with a confused slash condescending tone. He then told me that when he was six his mother "killed Christmas" and he hasn't celebrated since. After further inappropriate prodding, he explained that his absent father left them with little money, and thus they couldn't afford the holidays. "Not even the holiday spirit?" I asked. "Not even the tree" Greg replied. At this point my retail bestie, slash Polish second grandmother spoke up, further cementing the reasons why I attached myself to her hip over the past few months, "You know, absent father or not, trees can be cut down from the wilderness for free." She then started discussing how she would prefer if they played Christmas music of the "Reggae" variety instead.. her personal favorite. Little did I know, this kind of music actually existed, and when it came on the intercom soon after, we danced to the Reggae as we upstocked duvet covers.. me at the top of the ladder, and Polska at the bottom.... too bad Greg was such a scrooge, he just got to watch how much fun Christmas could be.

Overall, my final day was quite a success, and I promised to return for a shopping spree to visit my few favorite peers, and chat with my unfortunate foes for prime blogging material. As a farewell gift to myself, I made sure to drop a few stray seeds of fabricated gossip upon my departure, something tells me that Trashy and Sarah's seemingly solid friendship won't make it through the weekend... Whoopsie!, Oh B, You the F'n best.


B

Sighting!

Which Calgarian, turned Vancouver enthusiast was spotted canoodling with the cast of Twilight last night? She was spotted at the Twilight Eclipse wrap up party at the local Aquarium, sipping on complimentary Grey Goose whilst rubbing shoulders with the blood sucking wannabe Vampires.

I wonder what she would think if she read this story a mere couple months ago when the two of us openly bashed the Twilight series like it was the Swine Flu's evil twin. No news reports have surfaced as of yet, but lets hope she confronted Kstew in the bathroom and punched her in the face like we both fantasized about doing should we ever get the opportunity.

..Story developing.

B

Don't Hate Me

B, checking in!
My apologies for the lack of posts on DT, and I don't have any amazing excuses as to why.. perhaps my finger tips are just on vacation? That, or the fact that I am simply too overwhelmed with my "occupation" and in turn the hunt for a new occupation that has been occupying my mind. That, or simply the thought sharing with you all about how "Trashy" has wiggled her way into the limelight at work, or how my unstoppable love of Mars bars has led to petty theft.

On a lighter note, lets talk about the exciting holiday season approaching.. that being Halloween! I want to hear all about your costumes.. or most importantly, what you all want B to B for the big event!?!

I consider ALL suggestions!

Sleep well,
B

Sports Highlight

OK, so any sort of reference to athletics as been less than void from DT's pages over the past year.. that was until I heard that Rosedale's own, 526, was competing in an 8km sprint, through the streets of Victoria, British Columbia this weekend. In fact, this berry picking enthusiast is missing a homestyle Thanksgiving dinner for the cause..

Let's all wish 526 good luck..sorry for BBM'ing you into the wee hours last night, some of us choose alcohol as our hobbies!

B

Thanks JC

News Flash!
VD is back to her outrageous blogging ways.. new city, new stories, new adventures.. So exciting!
Click HERE HERE and HERE to access her blog, for instant laughs. Now, enough blogging for one night, 90210 and MP aren't going to watch themselves!

B

Trimming The Fat

Good evening readers, I hope you are all getting excited for Thanksgiving, and to any Americans who might be reading this, disregard any future comments about turkey, over eating, fat trimming, or anything festive for that matter.

This Thanksgiving, I propose instead of listing those (boring) things we are thankful for, we take a good hard look at what might be standing between ourselves and mediocre-complete happiness, and find a way to cut these toxic inconveniences out of our lives... or, in festive speak, Trimming The Fat. Let me tell you about one of my "toxic inconveniences" which may better explain how fat trimming in life will lead to a fulfillment only realized after trimming excess, or better yet, over kill. For example, a new employee at work, lets call her "Trashy", decided that during her third shift she would report me to management, for taking breaks longer than I was supposed to. Too bad for Trashy, that I had HR and Management wrapped around my under-worked finger months ago. "Excuse me? I'm not entirely sure where you get your information from, but we are allowed 30 minutes breaks, and I take 30 minute breaks.. but thanks for your concern" I responded, after hearing her chatter from behind a pyramid of merchandise, which for some reason she figured I couldn't hear..around?.. or through? I'm not quite sure. Yes, she was completely right about me abusing break time, as I took well over 40 minutes for lunch, but this newbie needs to pick her timing.. and her battles.. As further punishment, I gave her the silent treatment for the rest of the day, except of course for when I passed her on the way out to the parking lot, and told her to "have an amazing Thanksgiving." Its not my fault that she is such a joke. Lets hope Trashy is reviewing the days events and learning from her mistakes as she lays awake in her trailer tonight. I know she lives in a trailer park because the first day I met her, she was telling a crowd of senseless employees about how the wind was so powerful the previous night, that it was shaking her house and keeping her from sleeping. "Wow, I didn't know a house could literally shake and not fall apart?" I asked, prodding at the issue, in hopes she would further elaborate on the unacceptable living arrangements she seemed to eager to chat about. "Well I live in a trailer park" she replied. Yes please! is exactly what my insta-grin communicated when I heard this.




As the big holiday approaches, I will continue to trim the unnecessary annoyances from my life in hopes that all that will be left, is the delicious turkey meat (aka. eternal happiness), or at least, over snipped morals.

B

Why You So Obsessed With Me?

I'm loving the hits coming into Defective Thoughts as of late.. before you know it DT.info will gain even more momentum, which I of course would use to leverage myself into the World of reality television, where we all know I belong.


Summer is over, vacations have ended, and let's hope your tired office/lecture eyes are finding their way here, where they belong. As you know, your feedback is the fuel to this fire.

B

Jesus, Take The Wheel

6am: I woke up this morning, feeling somewhat enchanted, unusually enthusiastic, and ready to work some magic in the retail world... if only I knew what my day had in store for me.

6:45am: Cruisin' down the freeway listening to my happenin' beats, getting all "pumped up" for my big day at work. Today is a "shipping" day, meaning we all have to stock all the new merchandise by 11am.

7:00am: I arrive at work, and make my way to the staff room to place my fantastic perishable lunch in the staff room refrigerator. The door was locked, with a make-shift sign taped to the door, looking like something had escaped from the recycling bin and found its way onto the wall. To my shock and horror our managers decided to "shut down" the lunchroom due to "unacceptable messiness".

7:05am: Rage and disbelief rip through the coat room like a tsunami, and the faces of our employees begin to turn red, even Sarah's. Poor Chiko, a 65 year old grandmother (also with perishable lunch in hand) continued to wrestle with the door handle, not quite sure how to register the sign, or the situation. I knew right away this day was going to be epic. Perhaps epic enough for my swift termination.

8:30am: By this time, I had managed to recreate the ugly up-leading to the French Revolution. "They are forgetting that they need us to finish this project in four hours people! We actually have all the power." I wasn't too upset about the lunch room closing, more about the fact that they neglected to put up a new schedule for the upcoming weekend. Don't they know I have fantastic engagements to attend?



9:00am: Myself, and the rest of the employees (except for Chiko, who at this point was completely unaware of the revolution buzz I was igniting) had slowed our progress down to a slug like crawl. In fact I thought up a few games we could all play to help kill the time, and neglect the work.

10:00am: At the morning meeting, during the ridiculous lecture referring to the lunch room closure, our manager boasted "We were both here for 17 hours yesterday!" I knew this was a lie, because they say it everyday. Knowing what time they both started, I put up my hand asking what was going on in the store at 2am. Later, the conversation morphed into another lecture about how irresponsible we all were as employees, and that our behavior was disgraceful. Again, I tested my fate and put up my hand. "Speaking of responsibilities, when is the next schedule going to come out?" This definitely got the party going, and again was lectured on my attitude problem.

Its amazing how fast time flies, when your organizing a retail coup. My manager, Jason took me aside to try to get some insight on why today's pace was so slow, clearly identifying who was in charge. Side note: Jason has the most atrocious breath I have ever encountered, so bad that I have actually gagged right in front of him during conversation. Keeping my distance from the path of his air sewage, I explained that moral seemed a little negative, but that I had no other information.. keeping my cards close.

The day ended, with the lunchroom unsealed, merchandise left askew, and employees high on revenge, all in all leaving me feeling quite positive about the days events. If I'm not happy with my job, why should anyone else be? On my way home, I asked myself if it was too late to get into religion. Those devoting their lives to JC always seem so happy and positive... whats with that? All I want is to let Jesus take this steering wheel and drive me home, and of course, find me a new job, and transition me into my next phase of life. Maybe if I invested more time in God as a youngster, he would have a plan for me.. and then I could always just wonder what "God's plan was" in times like these. Until Jesus takes the wheel, Ill have to continue running my makeshift coup at work, and become God to those around me.

B

Co-Worker Profile: Hurricane

Being that I spend nearly 40 hours every week selling toasters, popcorn poppers, and glamorizing curtain rods, I spend a considerable, embarrassing amount of time analyzing the personality hiccups and genetic "oopsie!'s" of my co-workers. These are their stories...

Hurricane:
She walks like a Hurricane, talks like a Hurricane, and looks like a Hurricane, and therefore, Sarah, is now named Hurricane. She rather enjoys following up statements with overly exaggerated rebuttals, or better yet, her own original set of catch phrases. Instead of replying to comments or statements with B's classics, "great", "cool", or "that's fantastic", she chooses to make my blood boil, using phrases such as "righteous!", or "so uber!" Its times like these I need to retract the exacto blade back into its holster before it gets splice happy and I get sent to prison. Didnt Hurricane read DT's list of whats hot and not for 2009? The "U" word was banished 7 months ago! Hurricane is the type of defective who moves someplace new, yet never shuts up about her prior stomping grounds, being Ontario, because "everything is better in Ontario." Really? Than why not take your Category five lameness back where you came from? This afternoon, and every afternoon since I've known her, she has complained that groceries are "outrageously" more expensive here in Alberta than in Ontario. In fact, you can buy a twelve pack of romaine lettuce back in her mother land for only one dollar. The scenario that sent her into this hysterical tizzy?.. earlier at Safeway, she went to by some "blue grapes", and they cost six dollars per carton. "My grandma back in Ontario has a blue grape bush in her backyard, I could get them for free there!" -- "Maybe thats because nobody knows what a blue grape is", I grumbled. I asked her why produce was so much cheaper in Ontario, and she replied "Umm because they grow it there.. geeze!".. I then said, "really? Even in the winter time?" At some point she segweyed into a story about how her boyfriend and her had bought 12 steaks from CO-OP for $15-20 last night, contradicting her earlier arguments. Again, I snarled under my breath that I think she got tricked into eating dog food, and mistook it for steaks. If you think Hurricane sounds idiotic now, wait until you hear how when her roomate was in Italy, she got a real Louis Vuitton bag for only $5o..AND it was real.. because the man at the BOOTH told her so.

B

Blind Item

Which 'living in sin' Lethbridge resident is planning to up and move to Victoria at the end of September, seemingly skipping out on her lease? Sources suggest she plans to sell the entire contents of her apartment on 'kijiji' over the next few weeks, until the apartment is empty, to cut down on moving costs. At this time, the moral-less character will sneak into her silver Kia in the middle of the night, leaving the house key, damage deposit, and her dignity behind as she speeds into the night.

Let's hope your on Karma's good side, K.

B

Co-Worker Profile: Becky

Being that I spend nearly 40 hours every week selling toasters, popcorn poppers, and glamorizing curtain rods, I spend a considerable, embarrassing amount of time analyzing the personality hiccups and genetic "oopsie!'s" of my co-workers. These are their stories...

Becky
The Beckster, (Rebecca) is a simple girl, and by that I mean she is dull, yet entertaining in a sad kind of way. Her dark roots grow long and wild into the bleached birds nest that is the rest of her hair. She is a University student, and makes it impossible for you to forget it, as she often brings a large stack of texts books into the lunch room, and studies what I imagine to be the page numbers and exciting photographs. The bag has a "University of Calgary" logo on the outside, and I reckon she got this bag in first year, yet continues to use it as a further reinforcement of her academic achievements. One day I overheard her tell another employee that her name is "Becky", and that she hates it when people call her "Rebecca." Being well aware of her timid, shy personality, I have been calling her Rebecca ever since I overheard this conversation, always emphasizing the "BECK" portion, maybe she will take that as a hint that she needs to stop bleaching her hair. I often wonder if she will ever tire of her apparent excitement everytime she runs out of change in the cash register, and gets to hear her depressing voice over the intercom system requesting more.


B

B, The Mentor

Today, as I was polishing the sides of a faux leather ottoman, in an attempt to get back onto the good side of my deranged boss who is suddenly hell bent on canning my 'desperate for cash' self, a teenage boy interrupted me, with a pen in hand, asking for some loose leaf. After questioning his reasons for the paper (out of sheer boredom), I learned he was planning to jot down his contact information for my manager, who he was also seeking in order to apply for a position. "Do you have a resume with you?" I asked. "Well, I don't have a resume, but I can just write down my name and number for you to give her" he replied with soon to be shattered confidence. "You know I think you might be more successful if you had a resume printed from your computer" I informed him, and soon began explaining what a resume was, and how to make one, clearly filling in the gaps for a student that clearly fell through the cracks of the public education system. Normally, I would have just ignored the fact that he wasn't going to get a job, and get back to my faux polishing.. but for some reason I felt like I needed to take this poor soul under my "wing", perhaps in hopes that one day he could take over my position, and I could have a real person job instead. I explained that he should go online and look up resume templates, and then type his actual information into the blanks to create a semi-decent beginner resume, and then return tomorrow to hand it in. "Our manager will be more likely to hire you if you follow those steps" I emphasized. As his grim face turned and wandered away I began to feel like I had my first real mentoring experience, but then I started to realize that perhaps I am a terrible mentor, being as I myself have an entire team of mentors, and my life is in shambles. I am now anticipating to wake up to my protege being found dazed and confused in a ditch by the authorities, suspecting that he had just been returned to Earth by aliens, straight from an episode of the X-files.


B

2009, Two Thousand Fine

Good evening readers, I hope you are all enjoying your Indian summer!

September has arrived, and for most, another school year is about to begin. Being a recent graduate, this is my first school-free September, since 1990. Sure, I am relieved to be finished with school, and released from the hell known as final exam period, and making "never to be used" flashcards- however I was hoping for a little more structure for my first fall out of University. I was feeling quite down in the dumps as of late, seeing my graduation photo as I run out the door everyday, name tag in toe, but then, one day as I was stopped at a red light on my way to work, I focused in on the drivers license of the car ahead of me, it read: MY2CATS.. and strangely, ever since, I have felt much better about the rocky path my life has been following in 2009. I figure, despite my hatred of retail, and daily verbal thrashing for failing to reach my quota of new credit card sign ups, I will soon have the monetary partner to get moving in the right direction. Just sprinkle in a few weekend vacations, new apartment, and fresh job, and Ill be cruisin' right into 2010. For starters, I will work on convincing the Bridal registry's employee to set me up for a personal gift registry, called say: A Celebration of Brett, and my spirits will get the boost it needs to carry me through!

B

FML?

So I am sitting in the lunchroom, next to another co-worker. On his way out, he switched off the lights.. Am I THAT invisible? ...fml?

B

New Feature

As you all know, I love feedback... and we also know that as of late you all are lazy in the comment department. So, I have made things a little bit easier for you. For each blog posting, you can decide if you think it is funny, odd, or lame city, just check a box below each blog posting...

B

Mobile Moment

Why did I just have to spend five minutes of my life convincing my brain dead manager that drinking tap water is not only safe, but not equivalent to drinking drain-o? "Well if I die its your fault" she responded. She has the type of defective personality that seemingly believes that displaying limited education leads her audience to believe she leads a glamorous lifestyle. "All I drink is bottled.. So I don't even know how ill react". I had to bite my tougne when she took some ice cubes from the lunchroom freezer.. And again when she said that thirty percent of 30 was three.

B

Blog City

Here is the newest installment to appear on the blog line. Four Litre Chocolate Milk, written by one of DT's loyal readers, and Calgary's tallest chocolate milk addict. Peculiar yes, funny.. you will have to read.

I am not traveling anywhere, I am not having a quarter-life crisis, I've never attempted suicide, and my life is not particularly interesting. However, sometimes mildly humorous events happen, and a few of them deserve some small pocket of existence in the middle of cyberspace.



Enjoy enjoy enjoy,
..but always remember your favorite blog

B

Seen

Which out of control Britney mega-fan was seen at the Hamilton concert mingling with the popstars management team? After snapping a few photos with his new besties, my guess is he got to meet her security crew as he made a second attempt to slip more notes under Britney's hotel room door.


How much is bail, P?

B

Tweed, Gotcha!

I do apologize for my lack of blogging as of late, as I hate to admit, I have been putting in some serious hours at the hellish destination I call work. When I am not occupied figuring out how I can act like a toaster expert, I am spending the remainder of my time doing "summer things" and looking for a new job of course. Everyday that I am at work, and am approached by a customer, I ask myself if this is the one that will send me searching for some scrap paper to scribble down my notice of resignation.

Today I had a fairly successful information interview with a contact who works in the field that I am interested in bombarding with resumes, and ideally, a position for me, fitted with a more than ridiculous salary. My contact instructed me that he would be wearing jeans and a "tweed" jacket, which I could use as clues to identify him in the unfortunately circus-like coffee shop downtown. I arrived early, and found a seat facing right at the main doorway, glaring at each and every person that entered, trying to decide if what they were wearing counted as tweed, and soon enough I was distracted by how confused I was about what tweed actually was. I determined that it was something that looked like a hybrid between twine, and brown... the colour. "Is that what detectives wear?" Before I knew it, I was ignoring all incoming candidates who didn't resemble Sherlock Holmes. At one point, I had to move to a different table, because a small group of "young adults" aka. "yolts" sat next to me. I didn't want them to witness a blind-interview with a ridiculously desperate graduate. If they were anything like me, they would sit in silence, watching, and insert quiet gasps of disapproval and enjoyment. Thankfully, upon his arrival, he quickly picked me out of the crowd of business suits, and scenster jumpers and our meeting began. He insisted on buying me a drink, and I soon shuddered with frustration when I asked the "barista" for a Raspberry Happy Planet juice, as I assumed he quickly realized that only kids ordered juice.


Overall, it was positive experience, and if all else fails, I can simply survive via setting up three info interviews everyday... for the free food and drinks.

B