References Please

The portion that I absolutely fear most about about job applications is the "references" space. Typically requiring three references from previous employment, I find this quite a challenge because of the way in which my past "career choices" have ended. I have never officially been fired from a job, however I always manage to stick working for someone just a little bit longer then I should.. leading to complications. So when I come to the references page my grumbles are muffled my the frantic scratching down of random people that could vouch for me. Lets review the reasons why I cant use the following references..

1. The Pet Shop
I am simply assuming that all of the managers who worked at this sorry excuse for a pet store are in PETA prison for inhumane treatment of rodents. May it be the "freezer of death" which was the final resting place for many likely half asleep creatures, or the bird cubicle which was often locked containing a poor new employee inside whilst others would bang on the walls to cause a scene from "The Birds" was an initiation routine, this place contained no souls (except my own) worthy of getting in touch with, let alone vouching for my sanity, or even work ethic.

2. Bagel Hell
Contacting the Korean immigrants who ran this bagel hell hole would definitely ensure that I would never get any kind of work. I somehow managed to slip through the screening requirements of "asian female" and got this job a number of summers ago, and because of this, I was immediately hated by the owners. Despite the unseasonal downpour of rain that plagued the city this one summer which took a drastic cut from the "passerby business" I was told on a daily basis that I was "ruining his business", and that he had "never had a worse employee." Despite this he kept me on staff, and I slaved for seven dollars an hour for the entire summer to be emotionally abused on a daily basis. "Why cant you be smarter like the other girls?" he would ask. I eventually reached the end of my rope, and whilst on my week long vacation in British Columbia I called in and said I was never returning. I heard some muffled chaos and then a dial tone.

3. Hotel Paradise?
Last year I worked for a hotel downtown as a florified poolboy. I wore short shorts everday, and kind of enjoyed lounging by the pool all afternoon with my only responsibilities being to ensure enough towels were folded. "The Perfect Job?" One might ask? Well yes, until my manager "M" decided that we had to be best friends, and he wouldn't take "lets not, and say we did" as an answer. He insisted that because I worked in a "health club" that I had to set a healthy example for the guests. M tried to put me on a diet and exercise plan, which involved me writing down everything I ate all week, and the times that I ate it, so he could analyze it, and tell me where I needed improvement. He said that because he had worked in the healthclub for three months, which had a small fitness room with treadmills, he was a certified personal trainer. "I can assure you, there are exams involved in getting certified" I insisted.. "Not if you already work in a gym." It wasnt worth the debate I decided. He made me weigh myself, and then insisted that if I followed through with his step-by-step rules I would gain the 8 pounds I needed to in 14 days. I of course played along for my own entertainment. For some reason, this certified wack job insisted that part of my "health regimine" was to be able to last 5 straight minutes in the dry sauna, with all my work cloths on. Once while explaining that withstanding heat had nothing to do with my overall health, M quickly closed the door and locked the latch on the dry sauna door. I could see his smug face through the foggy little window on the door. I could see he was holding up five fingers for me to see exactly how long I had to stay in there. "What an absolute moron this guy is" I thought to myself. I was was forced to quit this job not long after, which I am guessing is because I rejected his friendship, questioned his uncertified fitness practice, and turned a blind eye one friday evening to a junior high pool party that somehow led to 30 non-hotel guests invading the small pool I was supervising. Surely, I could not go looking here for a reference.




B