Who Said What?

Which two catty girls who call the capital home got together for a "special dinner" which wreaked of gossip and envy to discuss their hatred for the "Shout-out" or "Happy Blogs" that sprinkle the pages of Defective Thoughts? Sources reveal that this devilish duo were radiating a green aura as they cackled over 'jealous jell-0' desserts.

B

What If?

As my appreciation for being semi-employed diminishes, and the desire to find a more exciting and potentially more shameful position at a "impossible to respect" establishment grows, I have been finding myself asking so many "what if's" throughout my encounters during the day. For example, while standing around at my work station at my restaurant job, hungry as ever.. I wondered.. "what if I reached over this spindly divider and took a piece of lobster ravioli to help subside my lingering desire for food. Would it be OK if I kindly explained the situation, and that I have never tried lobster ravioli and wanted to branch out?" As I slowly strolled home after work, eating my delicious muffin that I justified purchasing because they forgot to cut me from work and I earned a bonus half hour in wages I thought.. "What If I quit my terrible post at this restaurant and pursued my real dreams of working as a muffin seller at mmmuffins?" Sure the wage couldn't be desirable, but the unlimited access to a variety of flavors of muffins would make up for this. I began wondering if I could earn enough tips from exceptional muffin sales using my personal charm and undying devotion to the product.

When I turned on my Tivo, I saw it taped some shows for me it thought I would enjoy, based on the smutty shows I choose to record. When I saw a one hour episode of "Party of Five" on the screen, I thought "What If I watched it?, even for a few moments?.. or just until the first commercial break? If Tivo thought I would like it, why shouldnt I?" I have never seen this show before, and quickly realized that Tivo had made a very bad mistake. Very bad. This made me very self concious about the shows I do like to watch, and ask Tivo to record for me. "What kind of person does Tivo think I am?" Sure, The Real Housewives of Orange Country is smutty reality TV, but come on, this was pretty awful- and the line needs to be drawn someplace. As the day grew to a close, I found myself barley making it through my fitness class at the University. Yes, a fitness class. As I was attempting to finish my last set of mat exercises, I thought, "What If.. I just layed back and just stared at the ceiling, would the instructor care? Would the people around me think I was a lazy sack of crap, who was just taking this class to feel like I was making healthy choices?" I then realized that if I saw someone lying on the mat and staring at the ceiling this is exactly what I would think of them. I might even whisper to my friends about them, or even try to get the instructors attention so that they would see how lazy that person was. This was the realization that helped me slide through the rest of the session like a champ.

I think that these "What If's" are what get me in the outrageous situations in life, (ie. "What IF I started a Blog?") and I will continue to mostly focus on the pro's and neglect the con's of each instance, to ensure the success of this website.




B

Guess Who?

Which disturbed, yet entertaining resident of Alberta's windy city reported her ex-flings illegal television hook-up to the cable company promptly after the break up? She insists that it is unfair that he should get cable for free, when so many poor television enthusiasts must pay the fee.

Hilarious? Yes, Justifiable? Always.

My only wish is that she cut the cables in her own time, under the dark of night.. like a real crazy.




B

Going International

As some of you may already know, come spring I will be jetting away to do some traveling overseas. I will be visiting, and surely be experiencing some outrageous moments in Turkey, Bosnia, Croatia, Egypt, and Jordan.

So stay tuned to enjoy some blog posts from Europe and the Middle east!


B

Chocoholic

This evening my sister re-gifted me with a 64 piece box of mini "chocolate liqueur bottles" in the company of my mother. "Are these bottles of BOOOOOZE?" my mother proclaimed as she whipped the box straight out of my hands. In a state of panic and disbelief my mom took this opportunity to announce that she was concerned about my "drinking habits" as she slowly read off the kinds of "alcohol" contained in each chocolate. "Whisky, Rum, VODKA!, VODKA!?" She then began recounting all the wine I had begun drinking "at leisure" recently, and that she was concerned, plus with new information that I had got sick from drinking last weekend after a party, (which my sister kindly informed her of at this moment), insisted that we discuss this new issue. "One week its the wine, and now its this CASE of liquor bottles." This moment reminded me of the time when my parents sat me down intervention style and informed me that I was "spiraling out of control" because my room was messy on a semi-regular basis. How I wish I had the drive and follow-through to develop a "serious" drug addiction, to prove what a real "spiral case" would be. "Even this box says to drink these carefully.. they don't expire until August so you don't have to have all of these right away!" We then had to put them in the backseat out of reach because of course we were driving..

I simply explained to her that my recent and "gross over consumption" of liquor was because I was 22 and living with my parents. How else was I supposed to cope?



B

Blog Watch!

I would like to give a big shout out to a fellow newbie blogger, and good friend, "JM" who is soon to embark on a very big adventure overseas to test out life in Paris. She has started documenting the pre-move excitement, and will be continuing to keep her readers posted on her new exciting adventures!

Click here to start reading about JM's exciting transition into her new Parisian lifestyle!



B

Mayhem

I want to share this absolutely hilarious AFV clip, called "Squirrel Loose in House." I searched for squirrel JUST in case this gem of a moment had actually taken place, and thankfully it destroyed my expectations. The one ounce of intellect in this clip was exhibited by the family dog, who was actually making an effort to get the situation under control, as the idiot man and woman just chased the squirrel around the house-- as if these attempts would capture this rodent beast. My favourite quotes are as follows:

"OK, NOW get it it, its starting to break things!"
-as if caputring the squirrel before wasnt top priority

"Keep him away from the door!"
-it is later revealed that this retarded couple had a blood lust (why was the door open?)

*CRASH, SMASH.. things get broken*
"Jeff! Summins' gonna get broke!"

"He's headed for the stairs! Dont let him up there!" -woman
"He's been there before!" -man
-this is just idiotic



I have determined that this rural folk lured this poor creature into their death den for some Saturday night entertainment.. with the plot of raking in some AFV cash winnings.

B

Big Shoutout!

Mere moments ago I was out celebrating a special birthday for one of my special besties, and a regular contributor on the "blog line", 642! I hope you have a fantastic DAY!


B

A New Day

Yesterday, whilst discussing the lameless of commercials with my cousin, I decided it was time to jump on the "recording TV" bandwagon. I was at the end of my rope in terms of recording tv shows for myself, or my "technologically challenged" family members (however I think the countless questions about how to record a show may just be a cover for them not wanting to actually do it themselves.) I needed a Tivo.


I checked the internet for the cheapest price of course, and learned that a 50% off sale yielded only 1 remaining Tivo at this outrageous price. This was my first experience with waking up at an obsene hour, in order to make to the parking lot of this electronics store just minutes before opening. I imagined struggling to survive against thrift seeking NW'ers in some kind of mad rush to find the final Tivo in the store, fearing that it might have been misplaced onto the wrong shelf, or hidden by a sneeky shopper planning to come back at a later time. To my suprise I was the only looser walking in at the exact time of opening.

According to the website, this purchase is supposed to "change my life", and since graduation from University has been everything but, perhaps this is the kind of change that will jolt me out of the post-graduation blues. I figure if my life will not be transformed from student to successful career haver, then at least I wont feel stressed about making it home in time to catch the latest weigh in on "The Biggest Loser."

B

Fill In The Blank

Which local community resident had a morally debAtable procedure recently? Get well soon!

B

Eating Yum

Today's POTD is a photo reference to my deliciously fantastic lunch I had with one of my besties, who I will refer to as "Science Girl."



At the restaurant we made the observation that this specific 16th avenue establishment has let its employment standards go, along with its appetizer menu. I was even asked part way through my meal how I was doing for drinks, as if my moisture-free empty glass was not informative enough. Science Girl also best described the hostess as a "monster".

B

Laughing at Work

From my limited, yet sufficient experiences in the office workplace, I have learned that desk work in drab offices or perhaps even lunch room work stations is made much easier with extensive access to humorous video clips from our friend YouTube. Enjoy!



B

Shout Out!

Which new West Coast resident slash Law school un-enthusiast just got her paws on a brand new puppy dog? Congrats!


B

Yes You Did!

I would like to take a moment to give a special shout out to my possie of fitness buffs who with myself just experienced a thrashing of a lifetime in our exercise class.

I am now eating pizza.

WTF!

So I have learned that the absolute worst thing about graduating is having anybody know about it. Especially strangers.

Last night at work I ran into an employee who used to go to my high school. After some brief "catching up" and a considerable amount of my brainpower allocated to figuring out who this person was (and to which degree they ignored me in high school) they asked if I was in post-secondary. Promptly after answering: "Oh yes, I just graduated University last month", I was immediately asked: "Well what the fuck are you doing here?" This is the worst thing anyone could possibly ask a new graduate. Its times like these when I wished I had just enrolled in a winter class or been unemployed, even from the restaurant industry. Now you all know that I am not one to lie about stupid things, but I have been finding since the completion of my schooling it has been extremely necessary to use this doozie to get out of sticky situaitons like these: "Well I've got a hell of a student loan to pay off!" It always works, and it most definetly always ends the conversation.

And 642, this character also informed me that "you have been doing great since high school" so now I am informed...



B

Keep EM Coming!

I'm loving your comments, they are an important addition!
I have learned never to bring up "uggs" again.

B

Drinkin' in LA

Happy Tuesday All!,

When I went through the shockingly rigorous screening process to get my new job, I was lectured that this establishment was "gossip-free" and that employees were selected based on their "smarts" and "passion" for work. Despite my initial disappointment that my wishes to work for a gossip factory, I felt satisfied that I was suspected as being one who showed the ever so important passion for my work quality. This was a great feeling, until I overheard an incoming employee interview proceeding in the space behind me.

"I dropped out of hair school, it wasn't really what I had expected. My real dream is to move to Los Angeles and check out the scene there, you know? Its hard because I've got such a young daughter with me." The fact that she was hireable was disturbing, although I cannot wait to work with her, so we can talk about how "hair school" didn't turn out like she had planned. I am curious to learn what blind sided her in this ever evolving field.

Highlight of my day: Eating Calamari in the dishwashing area.. and yes, it looked weird.

Todays POTD is a tribute to my favourite kind of cracker. Triscuits compelte my life.


B

The Devil Wears Cotton

TGIS?

Spending time at the mall on a Saturday is like being trapped inside a Piñata at a future diabetic childs birthday party. You always think you have developed the skill sets over your life to efficiently navigate through the crowds of families set free after a week of office confinement, but when you are actually faced with this reality all goes out the window. Ive never wanted to yell "move!" at hockey mom's and hollow faced teens so much in my life.

I was on a mission to find cotton-free clothing which would be at least partially adequate for my new job at a local restaurant. Escaping cotton is not as easy as one could imagine, and I eventually warmed to the concept of "cotton-blends." How much cotton is too much? I found myself pondering. Would I be sent home wearing a strong cotton blend? Like 80%? After refusing to spend $75 on a single article of "mixed material" clothing I settled for a half and half blend. Pray for me.

I know that wearing uggs is considered cool, and though I have never actually worn a pair, they do look exceptionally practical. Today I saw a woman trapsing around in her pair, however these were the dirtiest, most disturbing pair I had ever seen.. ever. I could see the actual heel of her foot as the back of these distressed boots were torn to shreds. The boots were completly stressed and warped so it appeared as if she was wearing crumpled rags around her feet, bound by a sweat and mud paste. Now I would never consider myself to know much about fashion and "the trends," but I felt as though the ill condition of her boots cancelled out the "cool factor." Can uggs deteriorate to this condition and still be considered fashionable? Ive never been so tempted to untie my sturdy sorrels and donate them to the cause.

I was exhausted, not only was I on a treasure hunt to find the ideal blend of fabrics to create enough confusion to throw my employers off the scent of cotton, but now I was mentally conflicted as to whether I could afford to buy a new pair of shoes after giving to a footwear charity case. It took every ounce of effort to not apply for a job a Cinnzeo, so my aspirations of having unlimited access to cinnabuns could be fulfilled.

B

Earthquake!

BREAKING NEWS!
Sources close to "DTBlog" reveal that San Bernardino, California was struck with an "unknown magnitude" Earthquake Thursday evening around 20:00 (PST)


..Updates Soon

Update: Magnitude 4, comparable to moderate shaking motion, lamp smashing capabilities

In 2009..

A New Year is upon us, and it is important to begin a list of things we should be prepared for in 2009, and get excited about for the upcoming year, and past staples which shall continue to run strong post 2008!


Sure Shot Celebrity of the Year: Lindsay Lohan
Most Hilarious T.V. Series: Summer Heights High
Must See Movie: Labour Pains
Most Disappointing Reality Show: A Double Shot at Love tied with Bromance
Fad Word Sure to run its course: "Uber" (see: "lame" in 2007.)
Economic Climate: Tidal, with spring in July
Fashion Newbies: Tye Dye, GOLD color, Cords, button excess
Fashion "Oh No's!": Sweaters under t-shirts
Guilty Pleasure of 2009: Being inefficient
2009 Funeral of the Year: Flip Phones
Banff of 2009: Canmore
"So 2008" in 2009: Politics, Guitar Hero

Today's POTD illustrates the choas of 2008 which we all need to work to avoid. Feel inspired.

B

Fill In The Blank

Which unemployed Lethbridge, Alberta resident plans to scam the Municipal government for "lost wages compensation" after she carelessly slipped and fell on icy roadways despite having no job?

B

The Big Chill

Hello my Wednesday readers,

Today's POTD represents my current emotion (not to be confused with being emo). Today I am feeling like "hard times", as written about in this book which I have not read.


So today it became crystal clear that our fine city is not only experiencing a blistering cold spell, but in addition to this, a "hiring freeze" has stunted my goals of finding a job. With the exception of "wide-eyes Lenny" from a coffee shop downtown, who informed me that he was not hiring at the moment, but he would be next week. So I promptly filled out an application.. I jumped at the opportunity to work with him. I wondered if choosing $14/hour was a reasonable request for starting pay when asked.. could this hurt my chances?

Perhaps the most notable downfall of the day was the moment when I was filling out the application paperwork for MEC, and part way through decided that I was not fit to work there, because when asked how often I participated in "trail-running" or "skate skiing" the only applicable boxes to check where "extensively" and "often". At this point I abandoned my application form and split for the doorway. On my way out, as I passed a sales clerk trying to sell a tent to potential customers, I knew that they would be able to see right through me had I claimed that "I used that tent on my skate skiing exploration trip last February, and it was spectacular!" Who knew cashiers had to be so adventurous, or that trail-running was popular enough to be included on this permanent document.

Tomorrow is a new day, full of limited opportunities. But let's all hope that I remember to staple my stack of resumes.. so I can avoid shamefully requesting a stapler on site.

B

Read Between the Lines

Which blond haired blue eyed Snowboarding enthusiast stated: "my only concern is that 'defective thoughts' sounds (dare i say?), emo. or maybe thats the crowd you're going for."

The one thing I have learned about blogging, is that the haters are anticipating your downfall on an hourly basis. Let's hope this Calgary-area resident doesn't truly think I am catering to an "emo" audience, because Im fairly confident all of my readers and fans are fully aware of my hatred for this demographic.

B

Two words: Buckle Up.

Yes that's right folks.. it happened, my life is now being transcribed onto the internet. That is until this blog gets shut down by the authorities. But until that time arrives, enjoy reading this.

School is out, and now the job search begins. Tomorrow will be an epic adventure of whoring out my resume around town, the stories of rejection and awkward encounters are likely to launch this blog into your daily internet routine.

I am a strong believer in "visual learning" and as a result I have chosen to include an added incentive for you to visit my Blog on a tri-daily basis: "POTD" aka. Picture of the Day. Todays photo is an artists rendition of a T-REX, the second most terrifying of all the dinosaurs that once roamed the earth. These are my defective thoughts.

B